Remembering Tom Lehrer and his great satirical songs

As a one-time political operative for the national Republican Party in the early and mid-1980s, I still have friends from that political persuasion who remain sane enough to lament what Donald Trump and his ilk have done to the party of the elephant.

To borrow a phrase from political satirist Tom Lehrer, who also was a Harvard mathematics professor, a Republican with an IQ that reached at least double digits feels nowadays like “a Christian Scientist with appendicitis.”

Lehrer, composer of satirical songs like “Poisoning Pigeons in the Park,” “Who’s Next” and “The Vatican Rag, ” gave up satire, political or otherwise, before the turn of the century. It was hard, he said, to satire something that itself had become a parody of itself.

 “The real issues I don’t think most people touch,” he said in 2003. “The Clinton jokes are all about Monica Lewinsky and all that stuff and not about the important things, like the fact that he wouldn’t ban land mines.”

About George W. Bush, Lehrer noted:

I’m not tempted to write a song about George W. Bush. I couldn’t figure out what sort of song I would write. That’s the problem: I don’t want to satirize George Bush and his puppeteers, I want to vaporize them.

In 2008, Gene Weingarten of The Washington Post, managed to get Lehrer on the phone and asked if he could comment on the current state of politics in America in words that he ould print.

“Just tell the people that I am voting for Obama,” he said.

In 2020, Lehrer donated the lyrics and music of all his songs to the public domain, giving everyone the right to use them without charge.

“If, after hearing my songs, just one human being is inspired to say something nasty to a friend, or perhaps to strike a loved one, it will all have been worth the while,” he once said.

With the fact that his song lyrics are in the public domain, here’s a sample form “The Vatican Rag:”

In introducing the song, Lehrer would tell audiences:

Another big news story of the year concerned the ecumenical council in Rome, known as Vatican II. Among the things they did in an attempt to make the church more commercial was to introduce the vernacular into portions of the mass, to replace Latin, and to widen somewhat the range of music permissible in the liturgy, but I feel that if they really want to sell the product, in this secular age, they ought to do is to redo some of the liturgical music in popular song forms. I have a modest example here. It’s called the Vatican rag.

First, you get down on your knees,
Fiddle with your rosaries,
Bow your head with great respect,
And genuflect, genuflect, genuflect!

Do whatever steps you want, if
You have cleared them with the pontiff.
Everybody say his own
Kyrie Eleison,
Doin’ the Vatican rag.

Get in line in that processional,
Step into that small confessional,
There, the guy who’s got religion’ll
Tell you if your sin’s original.
If it is, try playin’ it safer,
Drink the wine and chew the wafer,
Two, four, six, eight,
Time to transubstantiate!

So get down upon your knees,
Fiddle with your rosaries,
Bow your head with great respect,
And genuflect, genuflect, genuflect!

Make a cross on your abdomen,
When in Rome do like a roman,
Ave Maria,
Gee it’s good to see ya,
Gettin’ ecstatic an’
Sorta dramatic an’
Doin’ the Vatican rag!

The song generated a lot of controversies, including demands that he be removed from the Church.

“They can try,” Lehrer replied, with a smile. ” I’m Jewish.”

Don’t worry. His ancestry was also a target. In the song, “Who’s Next?” about the nuclear arms race, Lehrer wrote:

First we got the bomb and that was good,
‘Cause we love peace and motherhood.
Then Russia got the bomb, but that’s O.K.,
‘Cause the balance of power’s maintained that way!
Who’s next?

France got the bomb, but don’t you grieve,
‘Cause they’re on our side, I believe.
China got the bomb, but have no fears;
They can’t wipe us out for at least five years!
Who’s next?

Then Indonesia claimed that they
Were gonna get one any day.
South Africa wants two, that’s right:
One for the black and one for the white!
Who’s next?

Egypt’s gonna get one, too,
Just to use on you know who.
So Israel’s getting tense,
Wants one in self defense.
“The Lord’s our shepherd,” says the psalm,
But just in case, we better get a bomb!
Who’s next?

Luxembourg is next to go
And, who knows, maybe Monaco.
We’ll try to stay serene and calm
When Alabama gets the bomb!
Who’s next, who’s next, who’s next?
Who’s next?

Tom Lehrer is still alive at age 94. Too bad he’s not giving us more of his needed satire.

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