John McCain announces new federal department

DATELINE: Scottsdale AZ 6 June 2008

For months, the presumptive Republican Presidential nominee, John McCain, has been bedeviled by a continuing series of factual errors and misstatements. His top campaign staffers have announced the creation of a new Federal Department to deal with past, present and future errors.

The Department of Special Explanations will open its doors the day of President McCain’s inauguration. Efforts to jump the gun, so to speak, and allow the Department to begin its work in advance of January 2009 have come to a standstill because of the unconstitutional gridlock created the by the Democrat Party leadership. As a cabinet level department, the Secretary of Special Explanations will have unprecedented access to the President, his staff and to all branches of government, including DOJ, DOD, NSA, INS, FBI, EPA, NASA, CIA, DIA, SSN, HHS, IRS, ABC, DEF, and GHI, as well as all federal agencies.

Critics argued that the creation of the DSE was unnecessary and wasteful, duplicating the efforts of the White House Press Office. This position is refutably false and without basis. The White House Press Office will continue to place mis-informed, not very bright, deer-eyed pretty faces in front of a brain-dead, stenographic press corpse, just as it does today. There will be no change in the Press Office’s responsibility, staffing or spin.

DSE will bring a whole new approach to information and perception management, not only correcting the misstatements and factual errors that might accidently befall any 172 year old president, but anticipating his future misstatements and providing the proper context, background and framing of both the issue, the facts leading to the President’s intended statement, as well as detailed instructions on what the proper reaction to the intended statement should be.

The first phase of DSE will involve the scrubbing of some of President McCain’s most recent statements, replacing them in each and every database with the more appropriate, factually massaged, and appropriate words, creating a tight, clean, and unimpeachable fit with all other surrounding facts and circumstances deemed important and appropriate by the DSE directors.

The second phase of DSE will set the guidelines for online, real time editing all future statements of not only President McCain, but his staffers, department heads, even approved members of congress. Gone is the need to coordinate messages on blackberrys, faxes and secret e-mails. Within just 8 months, every message from our great and glorious country will be on message.

The beauty about this programming capacity is that Americans, and the whole world, will see the complete message, the right message and only the message. Very shortly, the enhanced communications capacity will be invisible to the end viewer. Even better, the internet controls that will be installed will insure that all third party communications will fall within the appropriate guidelines laid out in advance by DSE. This added capacity will allow DSE to work closely with the Department of Homeland Security, weeding out the last of any hidden terror-supporting groups, thereby making America safe, sound and fully protected from enemies both foreign and domestic. This set of programs, known as Patriot III, are well on their way to being perfected

The third phase will involve a detailed review, oversight, weighing and correction of all FUTURE statements made by President McCain, even those not yet made. With the proper software enhancements, previous administrations, notably, Reagan, Bush 1 and Bush 2 can be scrubbed clean and free of any pesky slurred words, mispronunciations, errors and other unimportant matters that detract from a good, clean, effective conservative, patriotic and approved religious message.

At the same time as these cleansing efforts begin, scholarships for highschool and college students will be offered, giving the best and the brightest a leg up in a future, fast growing career.

To really get the flavor of the power of the DSE software, we have gathered some admittedly erroneous statements of our future president and cleansed them with a Level One “rinsing.” When completed, there will be five more, more potent levels available to the DSE secretary and his top staffers.

Here are the examples:

Before:
“”There’s no doubt in my mind that we will prevail and there’s no doubt in my mind, that the Iraqi people will greet us as liberators.” (3-22-2003)
After:
“But, my friends, as I have said many times, the true Iraqi patriots, the ones supporting democracy, peace, and the American way, will greet us as liberators. And I will be proud to walk among them, in their stores, their streets, and their successful businesses. ”

Before:
“I am confident we are on the right course in Iraq.” (10-31-2004)
After:
“This will be a long hard, involved, but necessary struggle, one that will eventually put Iraq and its warm, democracy loving, American supporting people on the right course.”

Before:
“There’s not a history of clashes that are violent between the Sunnis and Shias. So I think they will probably get along.” (4-23-03)
After:
“Just because there is no recent history of clashes between Sunni and Shia, our leaders on the ground are fully prepared to deal with it, if it would occur. My friends, I am far more worried about Iran, training terrorists, building devices to attack Americans remotely, and possibly one day, to threaten us and our friends, like Israel with thermonuclear weaponry.”

Before:
“Keeping a bureaucratic nightmare like AMTRAK alive is a nonnegotiable issue.” (1-28-2008)
After:
“I can guarantee my fellow Americans that gas prices will continue to fall, meaning that wasting resources on AMTRAK would be unAmerican and unpatriotic.”